


Made of Clay

by joufancyhuh



Series: The Heavens Will Fall [12]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Earthborn, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Month of Fanfiction, Pregnancy, mentions of implied rape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-03
Updated: 2017-08-03
Packaged: 2018-12-10 21:17:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11700063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joufancyhuh/pseuds/joufancyhuh
Summary: The time to make a decision has come, but before Shepard can finalize it, Kaidan finds a way to give her something she never thought she needed.





	Made of Clay

**Author's Note:**

> Title from [I Do Not Want This by Nine Inch Nails ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AKNo3J4daDk)
> 
> Month of Fanfiction Day 3: Family

“Why the fuck are we going there?” Blake scowled at the shuttle tickets her husband held up in his hands. “What the _fuck_ , Kaidan? You know I hate it there. Reboot.” She pulled the shirt she wore tight, trying to fight the urge to strangle him or go curl up in a ball on their bed. New York City, the city she swore to leave behind. Was he being serious?

Kaidan’s smile only widened, much to her annoyance. “The Alliance is sending me there to oversee a few things, and I thought you could use a vacation, get away from the house and actually go outside.”

“No one is forcing me to stay in.” Blake ran a hand through her hair, not trying to hide her aggravation with the situation. He didn’t think to run it by her first? He always ran everything by her, but fucking _this_ he decided to do on his own? And the fact that they were so close to the deadline only exasperated the situation.

“Fuck, Kaidan, this is absolutely not okay.” Her legs quivered under her at the thought of setting a foot back on those streets, especially in her current condition. Already, she fought off the flashbacks from when she lived there, what she did to survive.

Kaidan set the tickets down on the kitchen counter and grabbed her shoulders. “We’re flying into the city, but we’re staying just outside of it. There's some people I want you to meet.”

“They can’t just fucking fly here like a normal fucking people? That’s not a good enough fucking reason to take me back there!”

“You’re mad.”

She pushed his hands away from her. “You’re fucking right I’m pissed! How could you ever think this would be okay? You know…” Her breathing hitched, the shaking of her legs becoming more severe. She walked over to the other side of the kitchen counter and fell onto a stool. “You know what I went through.”

Kaidan followed her over and wrapped her in a hug, pressing a kiss into the side of her temple. “I know. Blake, I know. But I’ll be with you. I’ve got you.” His hand rubbed circles into her back. “Just… do me this favor? These are important people, and they aren’t able to travel. I wouldn’t ask this of you otherwise.”

“Fuck New York,” she mumbled into his neck, looping her arms around his waist. They stayed like that for a few minutes before she sighed, shoulders sagging with defeat. “ _Fine_. But don’t expect me to be nice. And not a fucking FOOT is going into the city outside of the port. Got it?”

“Got it.” He kissed the side of her head again.

An unrest settled between them. Blake scowled, forgetting that he couldn’t see it. “Who are these assholes anyway? These fuckers who can’t fucking travel like everyone else in the goddamn universe?”

“People I’ve been searching for.”

She rolled her eyes and pulled him into her. “You and your fucking mysteries.”

“Want me to pack your stuff?” An obvious attempt at changing the subject, but one she was more than grateful to leap on.

“I’m just going to wear whatever you pack. None of my clothes fit anymore, remember?”

He chuckled, the sound of it putting her somewhat at ease. “So I should bring twice as many clothes is what you’re saying.”

She nodded.

He hesitated before adding softly, “Are you any closer to a decision?”

She sighed and shook her head. “Five days, I know. I can’t wait any longer.”

“You said it, not me.”

“You didn’t need to. I’ve been keeping track.” She turned her head to rest on his shoulder, staring out to the calendar that hung on the wall, a red circle around the 18th. Soon came too quickly, her mind just as unsure as that first day where she found out about her pregnancy.

“Well, hopefully this trip will help you make up your mind.”

She lifted her head and narrowed her eyes. “What is this trip really about?”

He just smiled and kissed her.

* * *

_Children who come from the streets aren’t born. The Earth made them, forgotten children made of clay, cursed to wander the streets in search of make-believe parents. They exist, nothing more. Those who remember their previous lives are cursed with the truth. The fairy tales are always better than the real thing, to never know the security and warmth before being cast out into the wild that made up New York City. Clay children, Earth children, but never unwanted children._

* * *

Blake’s eyes glazed over as they flew over the city. From this high up, it seemed so harmless, so peaceful. Appearances were deceiving.

She squeezed Kaidan’s hand on the armrest between them. He reached over and tucked her hair behind her ear before kissing her cheek. “It’ll be okay,” he said, his thumb soothing circles into her palm. “I’ve got you."

“Just get me out of here.” She kept her eyes glued to the window. The city, her old nemesis. A wasteland of drugs and rape and murder, the hellhole that she barely managed to crawl out of. There would be no David to rescue her this time if she got trapped. Was Finch still down there? What about Matt? Did she ever manage to get herself into shelter, or did Rafe end up getting to her too?

Kaidan grabbed her chin and forced her to turn her head to look at him. “Focus on me,” he said. “Just me. I can feel you drifting back.”

“You brought me here.”

“Not without reason.”

She broke his grip on her chin and turned back to the window to leer out. “Keep your eyes on your enemies.”

Kaidan sighed and leaned into her shoulder. “This city isn’t your enemy.”

“You don’t fucking know that!” she yelled. Several other passengers shot them annoyed looks. She burrowed into her seat, taking her hand back from Kaidan to flip up the hood of his jacket she wore, pulling the drawstrings until only her face poked through.

Kaidan’s arm wrapped around her shoulders. “You’re right, I’m sorry.” He kept quiet as the shuttle began its descent down into the port.

Her breath caught in her chest as the shuttle angled itself down. She grabbed onto Kaidan’s arm around her, digging her nails into his skin. He flinched, but didn’t say anything, just held her tighter.

She used to watch shuttles fly overhead when she lived in a cardboard box off of 5th Avenue. _Who’d want to come here?_ And deeper down, she wondered if whoever flew on that shuttle searched for her, a raggedy girl with a silver bracelet, the letter B engraved into the cuff.

Not that she could read, but the other kids did, and Rafe...

* * *

_“You kids, no one cares about you kids. If they did, you wouldn't be here. But you are. Nobody wants you. Nobody cares if you die in the gutter with the rest of the trash. You're living in a jungle and the people here, they’re predators. But I can help. The Reds are recruiting, and we can use kids like you. We won’t stroke your hair and tuck you into bed at night, but we can give you food. And shelter, which is more you have now. Come to us if you want safety, security. Otherwise, stay the garbage you are. Keep begging and killing each other. Be the rats your parents always thought you to be. It’s your choice, and I’m not going to make it for you. But no one’s coming. No one wants you. That’s why you’re here, isn’t it?”_

* * *

“Blake?” Kaidan’s honeyed eyes stared into hers, his hand caressing her cheek. “Come back to me, Temp.”

Blake pushed his hand away from her face, realizing that his fingers were damp from hot tears that streamed down her face. “Reboot. This was a mistake.”

“We’re almost out of the city. A few more minutes.” He scooted closer on the seat of the cab, arms around her waist. “I’ve got you. You don’t have anything to worry about.”

“And if someone sees me? Paparazzi?” She ducked in her seat. “I don’t want to be recognized.” The last thing she needed to add onto this trip was a picture of her pregnant stomach plastered onto a tabloid, especially if she ended up not keeping the baby. She could picture the headline now: Commander Shepard Preaches Saving Humanity, Kills Own Baby. Oh, the field day her critics would have with that one.

Or worse, what if one of the Reds spotted her? Or one of the other children? She tore up Derek’s face pretty well the last time she saw him; he certainly wouldn’t forget her and most likely still be out for revenge.

Or Sam, beautiful, sweet Sam. If Sam made it out, she’d be pissed that her so-called friend Bee never came back for her, never helped her escape Rafe’s _playground._

They didn’t know her real name, but maybe they did by now. Her face plastered on enough papers and screens that they might recognize her. And Sam was the smartest of them all; she’d be able to read the name and put it together that Bee and Blake were the same person.

A sharp pain in her hand. Blake looked down to where Kaidan’s hand glowed a dim blue. “Stop that,” he said. “Stay with me.”

“I can’t help it.”

They crossed the bridge out of the city. She closed her eyes and leaned back into Kaidan. Maybe now she could relax.

“When are we meeting these people?”

“I’d say today, but I don’t want you to be in any more distress than you already are. How about tomorrow?”

“Didn’t you say you were looking for them for a long time?” Without thinking, she rested a hand along the top of her stomach. What she wouldn't give for a fucking drink right then. Some Jack and coke with ice. Better yet, no ice, no coke, just the whole bottle of Jack.

“They can wait. They aren’t going anywhere.”

“Are you going to tell me who _they_ are?”

She felt him shake his head behind her. “”Nope.” He kissed the side of her head. “And ruin the surprise?”

“I hate surprises, Kaidan.” She attempted to sound angry, but all she could feel was the weariness settling into her. Knowing the city was behind them helped, but she still felt grimy, like she hadn’t showered in years. A hot shower and a comfortable bed with her husband lending his warmth sounded wonderful.

* * *

_Who was she before? Who was Bee? How old was she? Did she have parents? Were they still alive? Did they still think about her from time to time? Did she have any siblings? She heard the fairy tale the other kids told, but she held out hope that she came from something. Someone used to love her, right? She was not a clay child, she was Bee with a silver bracelet that said maybe her parents loved her and they were looking for her out there. She just needed to find them. Matt said hope was a dangerous thing to keep with you. Hope led to disappointment, which was a bad feeling. “Stay away from the bad feelings. They only cause trouble. And the good ones, too. The only emotion you can afford out here is survival.”_

* * *

The ground squished under her shoes as Kaidan led her, blindfolded, to meet these mysterious people who couldn’t travel. Curiosity, one of the bad feelings, infected her as she let him put the blinder on. Who could they possibly be meeting? Who was this important?

They stopped, finally, and a kiss landed on her cheek. “We’re here.”

“And where is here? I can’t see.”

Kaidan hesitated. “I’ll take the blindfold off, but promise me you’ll humor me first.”

Her heart thumped in her chest, all the warning signs firing off in her brain. Who were these people? Someone from the street? Please, dear Maker, tell her he didn’t. Fuck. She snatched her hand back and ripped the blindfold off of her eyes.

Sunlight hit her as her vision adjusted, blotting out the rest of the landscape. Slowly, grass and trees came into focus. The miles of grey stone dropped rocks into her stomach. A graveyard. He brought her to a fucking graveyard. She opened her mouth to protest, but he pressed a finger to her lips.

“Stop what you’re thinking and look.” He motioned a hand to the two gravestones in front of them, SHEPARD engraved across the top of them both. Her legs began to tremble underneath her, the world swimming around her.

Kaidan pressed a hand into the small of her back to hold her steady. “I’ve got you.”

She closed her eyes, forcing herself to center. “Why am I here? Why did you bring me here? I already knew they were dead.”

“I know. Just, hear me out.” His other hand slid over the swell of her stomach. “All of your reservations about being a parent stems from them. I thought maybe it was time you actually met them and talked it out.”

She opened her eyes and threw him a glare. “This isn’t a fucking _game_ , Kaidan! How-What-Why-This.” She stopped herself and sucked in a deep breath. “This is how fucking far you’ll go to prove your point?”

He shook his head. “This isn’t just about the baby. This is about _you_ , Blake.”

“Fuck off, Kaidan!” She shoved him back. “This wasn’t your fucking place to do this!”

“It is!” He tried to hug her, but she forced him off. “You’re my _wife_.”

“Not for much longer!” She scowled and kicked some of the dirt at him. “You drag me out here, to my least fucking favorite place in the galaxy, to deal with this shit?”

“This can’t be just another problem we never talk about, Blake. You need to work through this thing with your parents.”

“No, I _don’t_.” She huffed, trying to calm down and failing. “I don’t need to fucking work through anything, cause there’s nothing to fucking work through!”

She started to stomp away, but Kaidan blocked her path. She tried to push past him, but he grabbed her shoulders and held her in place. She struggled to free herself, not wanting to give him the satisfaction of being able to hold her still.

“Listen to yourself. You’re still angry at them.”

“Fuck _off_ , Kaidan!” She stomped on his foot but he kept his hold on her. “I don’t need this. I don’t care about them.”

“Then why are you so adamant against this? You aren't acting like someone who doesn’t care.”

“Why should I care?” She shoved at Kaidan; he dug the heels of his shoes into the ground to hold his position. “They obviously didn’t fucking care about me.”

“That’s not obvious. Blake, they _died_. There was nothing they could’ve done to stop what happened after.”

Tears burned down her cheeks. She couldn’t remember starting to cry. “They could’ve tried harder to survive!”

Kaidan smiled, which boiled her blood. “And there it is.”

She threw her body weight backwards, his hold on her finally breaking. She jumped back, hands in front of her face in fists. Her chest heaved as adrenaline flooded her body.

He remained rooted in his position. “Look at yourself. This isn’t you talking; this is Bee.”

“We’re the same person, fuck-face.”

He kept his tone calm and even. “In all the years I’ve known you, you’ve never taken a fighting stance like that. You’re a trained soldier, but that’s not a soldier’s stance.” Kaidan took a step towards her, causing her to take two back. “I’m not your enemy. I want to help you.” He held his hands up, palms open. “I love you.”

“If you love me, then why did you bring me here?”

“You need to fight your demons. Not all of them, but enough of them. You can’t keep avoiding this one.” Kaidan took another step towards her, and this time, she didn’t move. “I want a family with you. And maybe it was selfish of me to bring you here, but I’m trying to help. I want your decision to be based on what you want, not because you’re scared.”

“Maybe I want to be scared,” she said, defiance in her voice, but she could feel the fight leaving her body. 

He shook his head and took another step. “I don’t think you do. I think you blame everything that happened to you on them, but Blake, they were here. They couldn’t have helped you out there.”

She wanted to keep yelling, keep the argument going, but she couldn’t bring herself to deny it. She often wondered if her parents still lived, if that would’ve been better. Then she could’ve asked them questions, gotten answers. Instead, they stayed in the ground, deaf and mute to her anger, her hurt, for all these years. 

She let her arms drop to her side. “If I move, I think I’m going to collapse.”

Kaidan approached her side, careful of his movements, and put a hand on her shoulder. “I’ve got you. Want me to carry you over there?”

She nodded, his arms reaching down to slip under her knees and behind her back. She leaned into his chest as he walked her the few steps back in front of the grave.

He sat her down into the grass in between the gravestones. “Want some privacy?”

She shook her head, fingers wrapped into the fabric of his sleeve. “Stay.”

Kaidan stood next to her as she began to talk. “Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.” The words felt foreign to her tongue, alien and unpleasant. She glanced up at Kaidan. “This feels stupid.”

“I can leave.”

She tugged on his sleeve. “No, I need you here. You don't get to run away that easily.”

He gave her a soft smile before following her to the ground. He rested a hand on her knee, and her fingers wove themselves underneath his hand. “Want me to start for you then?”

She nodded.

Kaidan kissed the top of her head, then looked to the gravestones. “Mr. and Mrs. Shepard. It’s so nice to finally meet you. I know Blake and I have been looking for you for a long time.”

Blake gave his hand a squeeze, keeping her eyes on his face.

“I think you would be so proud of your daughter.” She tried not to let her lip quiver at the mention of daughter from Kaidan’s lips. She was someone’s daughter. She existed because she was born, not because the Earth spat her out to suffer. 

“Your daughter is nothing short of the most amazing woman I have ever, _ever_ met. She's funny and badass and every time I look at her, she takes my breath away with her beautiful smile that lights up her whole face. Being around her makes me so... incredibly happy." He brought her hand up to his lips as she fought back a fresh wave of tears.  "Thank you both for having her, because I can’t imagine loving anyone else more than I love her, even if we get on each other's nerves.” He squeezed her hand and looked down into her eyes. “And she saved the galaxy a few times, give or take.”

“Thank you so much for bringing her into the world, into my world. I wish you could’ve had more time to see the person she is now.”

Blake leaned back, closing her eyes. Kaidan’s other hand settled on her stomach.

“And we’re having a baby! Or we might be. That’s up to your daughter, but no matter what she chooses, I just want her to be happy with the choice, and not have any regrets. But I want her to know that she always has a family, and I'll take care of her for the rest of our lives, whether she wants me to or not.”

No regrets. Kaidan would be a great father, even if she wasn’t the best parent herself. She would never forgive herself for denying him this, not when he did this for her. She placed her hand over his on her stomach. “We’re going to need some names, so if either of you have any ideas, now would be the time to speak up.”

Kaidan looked down at her, incredulous. “You don’t...You don’t have to decide now.”

“I want to make you as happy as you make me.”

“But do you want this?”

She could see the worry in his eyes, that she felt pressured to make this choice. Not once during the whole ordeal did he make her feel that. She nodded. “I do. I want this.”

Kaidan’s eyes lit up as he scattered kisses all over her face. “We’re having a baby!”

She smiled up at him. “We’re having a baby.” Her heart skipped, leftover anxiety still trapped beneath her rib cage. This would work, the two of them. She didn’t have faith in herself, but she had it for Kaidan, whose smile looked a lot like the sun.

**Author's Note:**

> Liz got onto me cause she said I can't write short fics. It's not that. It's just Blake doesn't do short fics.


End file.
